Recently I have found myself to be increasingly annoyed. I know it must be my ego playing tricks on me because only the ego gets annoyed, my authentic self cannot. I am caught up in the day to day things and forgetting what is hidden, my desire to be compassionate.
In the past I have had opportunities to be compassionate. I was a compassionate nurse, I was a compassionate customer service representative…
What I noticed about my compassion is that it is very outward facing. I am compassionate to people outside of my own domain and less so within my own domain. For example, I am compassionate towards patients, I am compassionate towards customers, but I am not compassionate to my family and the managers I work with.
Why is that so I ask?
I think it has something to do with expectations. With people who matters to me at the deepest level, I expect them to be all that I think they can be. I am not as accepting to who they are at the present moment. Some of my closest friends have also experienced this. Once one of my best friends was out of a job and feeling depressed. I was not very compassionate towards her situation, I just said to her, “why feel depressed? You can manifest a job if you wanted to.” I guess I must have been implying that if she “wanted” a job, she would have gotten one already.
When I am being that way I feel heaviness in my heart. I cannot name that heaviness yet but I am becoming aware of it. I can also see myself becoming this way with my children and I know that they are the primary motivators of why I wanted to take a step back and examine this kind of behaviour. Why can’t I just accept people for who they are now? I even pick on my dear Dobes sometimes and he is the best husband anyone could find.
Maybe the next few days I will practice accepting things as they are. Not that I will stop myself from trying to improve on things I could improve on, but if things are not the way I want them to be, I would like to practice accepting that.